I Am Not a Christian
In my search for truth, I have come to the rude awakening that I have been lying to myself for a vey long time. For my entire adult life, I've claimed to be a Christian. For most of that time, I said I was Catholic; and I do believe Catholics are Christians. That's not the point.
There was a short period of time in my teens when I didn't seen the difference, so I called myself Christian and Catholic, while going to churches with my Protestant friends, thinking it all the same. That also is not the point, though. Many Catholics are Christians and many Protestants are Christians.
I am also well aware that there are many who say, "Lord, Lord," but to them Jesus says, "I do not know you." What is news to me is the fact that I've been among those Christians.
Failing to be a Christian doesn't mean I don't believe in Christ or God. Honthorst's painting above is not about rejecting Christianity. It's about someone who belongs to Christ but fails to live faithfully when the moment comes. That's much closer to what I'm talking about.
Those who know Jesus know what he would do in most circumstances. His words resonate in their hearts and they live by those words. Thus, they know how to love, how to properly form their conscience, how to be virtuous. Despite my efforts, I have failed on all those accounts. I don't know how to love. I know Christ's words, but when I am challenged to live them, I wiggle my way out of them, making up all kinds of excuses for the way I want to live.
It doesn't matter that God has something better for me. Whatever that something is, it's never enough to satisfy my insatiable lusts. I see a vision in front of me, the plan I think God has for me, and I tremble. The only prayer I can pray regarding God's plan for me is, "But I do not know the way." I had hoped God would send me someone like Gandalf, who'd then say, "I will help you carry this burden," but no Gandalf came.
Or perhaps God did send Gandalfs into my life. Perhaps he sent a whole fellowship and I refused to accept them. And perhaps that is why God responds to my prayer: "You are right. You do not know the Way."
If I do not know the Way, Jesus Christ, I will not recognize his guides. I've denied Christ through my conduct and even sometimes in my words, so God now denies me (Matthew 10:33). He denies me access to his path because he knows my intentions, and they are not his own.
When Christ says to me, "I do not know you," he isn't saying he has no knowledge about me. He is basically saying, "I do not know the person you've become," because that person is lacking him, in whom we live and have our being. He means he will not associate himself with my intentions, because they are not the will of God. When he says, "I do not know you", it is because I am not being myself; meaning I am not the person God made me to be.
Last Sunday, the 26th in Ordinary Time, we read:
A man had two sons; and he went to the first and said, ‘Son, go and work in the vineyard today.’ And he answered, ‘I will not’; but afterward he repented and went. And he went to the second and said the same; and he answered, ‘I go, sir,’ but did not go. (Matthew 21:28-31)
The world needs Christian love, not more people claiming to be Christian. If I lived my whole life as a Christian while never claiming to be one, it would be better than living this lukewarm Christian life while claiming to be Christian.
Find more reflections like this in my book Jesus Draws Near: Sunday Gospel Lectio Divinas.
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